March of the Penguins in 25 words or less:
I had unrealistically high expectations and - surprise! - it fell short. Nonetheless, it had impressive quantities of power, emotion, information, and cuteness, all at once. B+.
Howl's Moving Castle in 25 words or less:
To gack criteria from jearl: interesting, but did not make sense. Cool, wonderful, and full of what makes Miyazaki Miyazaki . . . including some weird logical gaffes. B.
Had a good, and full, weekend including, among many things, a lovely day of celebration for pseudosilence, culminating in a riotous game of Oracle. I just have to share some of the highlights:
Does God exist?
Yes. Like a giant cat in the sky.
Could you see a Dr. Seuss cat baloon in the Macy's Day parade, and what would it look like?
That totally depends on where you are standing.
Can you see Catalina from here?
On a clear day. Or in your memory.
When will I see you again?
Whe the wind blows south by southwest and the moon is not yet full.
When does the crow fly high in the sky?
When there are pointy trees below.
Dude, what the fuck is up with that?
What is in the Alka Seltzer that makes my tummy all better?
It's . . . people.
What is the greatest joy and the biggest problem?
Sex and the Holocaust.
What is Steven Spielberg's new comedy series for HBO?
"War of the World According to GARP."
What is Hollywood's next indie blockbuster?
Rocky Mountain Mussels.
Is Tom Cruise crazy because he is a Scientologist, or is he a scientologist because he's crazy?
He's a Scientologist because it's Hollywood, baby.
What is his excuse?
His dog ate it, he never got the assignment, and he was sick with a fever anyway.
Why did Saddam Hussein not provide documentation of the destruction of WMDs?
Because he's crazy!
Does anyone really know what time it is?
Only he who knows that Chicago song.
Mirror, mirror on Carson Kressly's wall, who is the gayest of them all?
What do you call the guy in the lame shirt who TOTALLY ISN'T GAY?
Vin Diesel in Flashdance.
What is the Worst. Thing. EVER!?
Frozen fish testicles on a stick with peanut sauce.
Why must everything end with testicular trauma?
Life is terribly unfair to testicles.
Why do dog feet smell like Fritos?
Because they like to walk around on them.
Why do dancers wear squids on their feet?
To remember where they've stepped.
Why did they leave a trail of breadcrumbs?
So they'd be able to find the loaf at the end of the night.
Why did the baker use glow in the dark flour?
You should have seen what he used for icing.
I trust it wasn't salty?
No more so than the ocean.
How big is the fine for an open bottle violation in Malibu?
One. Milion. Dollars.
How much money would it take to sleep with a gross rich old guy when you already have a hot husband?
Twice the market rate.
How much for a loaf of bread in West L.A.?
Twice as much as a blow job.
How much is that doggie-style in the window?
$500, plus additional charges for the leash.
How much is that doggie in the window?
$71 and 4 cents. Rubles accepted.
Excuse me, do you know the way to total bliss?
Left at the light, then bear left, then . . . Fuck it. You can't get there from here.
Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?
What do you lie to your doctor about?
Your mother's maiden name.
What is the second half of your porn star name?
What was the first baby name suggestion of Jeff's that Stacey vetoed?
What is my cat trying to tell me?
I don't like being watched while I lick my genitals.
What did Timmy say when you asked why he wouldn't come out and play?
His nose is warm.
Please, could you hand me that monkey?
You can't be trusted with it.
Why can't I have a furby?
Because furries are disgusting, you sick bastard!
Why won't you go out with me?
Well, first of all, you're married.
In what order should one do the baby carriage operation?
Creamed carrots before prunes.
How does one induce vomiting?
Very simple. The collected works of Michael Bay.
Where do babies come from?
A coconut under the sea.
What is eqiuvalent to a crab in the sky?
A lobster in the heavens.
How do Maine fisherman find their way home?
They listen for the "Reee-cola" in the distance
What do yodelers do without their pitch pipes?
They fall flat on their faces.
Two guys walk into a bar. One wants to leave. The other desperately wants to stay.
Where did the priest, rabbi, and hooker go?
For appearance's sake, I hope the back pew.
What is Jenn keeping in her bra right now?
Boobies. Daaaaangerous boobies.
What were the REAL weapons of mass destruction?
Sand and some aging yogurt.
What was I cleaning out of my bathing suit before coming over?
Sand and crumbs of chocolate chip cookies.
What do you put in the worst care package EVER for troops in Iraq?
Stale moldy bread.
What would you trade for a Klondike bar?
Another one. Or $70 in Rubles.
Where do we go from here?
Still lookin' for that blue jean baby queen prettiest girl I ever seen.
Why can't you take your eyes off the TV?
Ninjas glued the on there while you weren't blinking.
How did those things get stuck on the ceiling without me noticing?
You don’t spend enough time on the bottom.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Because I carry birdseed in my cleavage.
Why do you have strange bumps in your blouse?
Because you're blossoming into - oh, hell, go ask your mother.
Dad, why do I have these feelings in my "areas" when I'm around my favorite teacher?
That's a boner, son. Get used to it.
Oh my god, what's in my pants?
A one-legged rabid wombat.
What happened to your guard dog?
We were starving. It was him or us. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I had to!
And finally, (as Dave Navarro once said) the piece of resistance:
What is the easiest way to undo a bra?
Reach around, lift up the left side backing, and unhook.
How do you take a picture off the wall?
First, approach the wall, check for traps, and remove the picture.
I've got Barbarian trap sense. What should I TOTALLY NOT DO?
Go first down the rickety castle staircase.
Where shall I find my undead lover?
Where can the ugly folk date online?
I totally didn't get much work done this weekend. But it was worth it.